


i wondered if i could come home

by givebackmylifecas



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e05 Buck Begins, First Kiss, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, literally insane amounts, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:01:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29499243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: “Buck, I –” Eddie starts, but he doesn’t know how to continue, how he can say this at two in the morning with Buck in a different part of the city and the explosion Eddie nearly lost him in still burned on the back of his eyelids.“It’s alright, Eddie,” Buck says. “I’m alright.”Eddie breathes out heavily, somehow turning it into a shaky laugh, and grips his phone harder. “How’d you know that’s why I called?”Post Buck Begins, Eddie just really wants to make sure Buck's okay
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 36
Kudos: 476





	i wondered if i could come home

**Author's Note:**

> oof what an episode
> 
> no TWs i think, but let me know if i've missed anything
> 
> fic title from the bright eyes song 'first day of my life'

“Eddie?”

Buck sounds half-asleep – of course he does, it’s two am – and Eddie doesn’t even know why he called. That’s a lie, he does know why, but he kind of wishes he hadn’t.

“Eddie, is everything okay?” Buck sounds more alert now, worried. “Is it Christopher? Do you need me to come over?”

“No,” Eddie makes his mouth move, forces words out from between his clenched teeth. “No, Chris is fine.”

There’s a long pause and Eddie just listens to Buck breathing, the rhythmic exhales and inhales that he could have lost forever if things had gone differently yesterday.

“Eddie?”

There’s a particular way that Buck says his name, it’s brought him back from so many ledges but tonight it might just push him off one.

“Buck, I –” Eddie starts, but he doesn’t know how to continue, how he can say this at two in the morning with Buck in a different part of the city and the explosion Eddie nearly lost him in still burned on the back of his eyelids.

“It’s alright, Eddie,” Buck says, voice soft as he shifts in bed and Eddie can hear the rustling of his sheets. “I’m alright.”

Eddie breathes out heavily, somehow turning it into a shaky laugh, and grips his phone harder. “How’d you know that’s why I called?”

“Cause I know you, man,” Buck says and Eddie nods even though Buck can’t see him. “Are you alright?”

Eddie grimaces. “Yeah, yeah. Just worried about this guy I know – he’s pretty great but he has a habit of running headfirst into dangerous situations and making me want to strangle him.”

Buck laughs. “I don’t know, he sounds too brave and heroic to strangle. Besides, I’m sure he could take you.”

“He wishes,” Eddie responds automatically and Buck laughs again.

Another silence stretches between them and Eddie wishes he were there, wishes he could hear Buck’s heart beating in his chest, wishes he could wrap gentle fingers around his wrist and feel his pulse, wishes he could have Buck’s warmth next to him as he falls asleep and when he wakes up.

“Buck?”

“Yeah?”

Eddie hesitates, looking up at his ceiling, remembering the night Buck set up a projector so that Christopher could see the stars. The three of them lying in Eddie's bed, staring at the translucent images on the white plaster.

“You know you’re not expendable, right?” Buck doesn’t respond beyond a sharp inhale and Eddie somehow finds the courage to speak again. “You’re more than just spare parts, more than someone born to help fix his brother. I know Maddie’s probably told you this and I wish your parents had told you too, but I needed you to hear it from me too. To me you’re…”

And here he is, back on a ledge, ready to jump, but Eddie doesn’t do this – he’s the cautious one of the two of them. He takes risks if they’re calculated and this… he’s run the numbers and any way he looks at them, it ends up breaking something.

“Eddie?”

“You’re everything Buck. To me and to Christopher. We love you, so who cares what your parents think, because they don’t know you like we do – we’re your family, not them.”

Buck is silent for so long that Eddie wonders if he hallucinated everything he just said, wonders if maybe all of this is a dream.

“Buck?” he asks into the quiet.

“Can I come over?” Buck asks and god, Eddie wouldn’t say no even if he could.

Instead, he breathes a “yeah, of course” and listens to the hang-up tone coming from his phone.

Eddie feels like he simultaneously waits for years and only seconds for Buck to arrive. He moves into the living room when he hears the roar of the Jeep’s engine, his heart speeding up, pounding in his chest. Even so, the sound of Buck letting himself in with his key is so familiar, so right that a fond warmth spreads through him, a half-smile on his lips.

Buck walks in, just in sweatpants and a hoodie, his hair messy and unstyled, and if Eddie hadn’t held Christopher in his arms moments after he was born, he’d say he’s never loved anyone more than he does Buck at this moment.

“Uh, hi,” he says clumsily and Buck smiles.

“Hi,” he replies, keeping his voice pitched low so as not to wake Christopher.

Eddie grimaces at the awkwardness and pats the couch cushion next to him. “You want to sit?”

Buck nods and kicks off his shoes before walking over to the sofa and flopping down next to Eddie, making himself as comfortable as he usually does, one foot tucked underneath him, his knee brushing Eddie’s thigh.

“Buck, why did you come over?” Eddie asks. Buck frowns, hurt immediately crossing his face and Eddie hurries to clarify. “Not that I don’t want you here, you know you’re always welcome just… it’s the middle of the night.”

“Why did you call me?” Buck asks, a determined expression on his face.

Eddie tries to come up with something, anything that won’t leave him as vulnerable as he was on the phone because he doesn’t know how to do this. It was the main thing he and Shannon would fight about, his inability to share his feelings, to show what’s really important to him. But he's got nothing, no excuses.

He shrugs. “You know why,” he says, half evasive, half trying to match Buck’s challenging stare.

Something about what he said makes Buck smile, shaking his head fondly.

“Yeah, I guess I do. So… that’s why I came. What you said on the phone…” he hesitates and Eddie’s hand moves of his own volition, settling on Buck’s knee. Buck stares at it for so long that Eddie almost moves it away again, but then Buck’s hand is covering his own.

“Did you mean it?” Buck asks, so open and vulnerable that Eddie almost wants to ask him what he’s doing, how he can expose so much of himself again and again and not worry about getting hurt. “What you said, did you mean it?”

“How could I not?” Eddie says, an incredulous laugh escaping him. “Buck, the way your parents treated you was wrong, no matter how they try and make up for it now. And you… You don’t see yourself the way I do, but you’re amazing. Buck, I loved Shannon, I did. She gave me Christopher and I’ll always be grateful and love her for that but –”

“But what?” Buck asks and he sounds so apprehensive, so afraid of what Eddie might possibly say that he forgets every reason he ever had to keep his feelings for Buck under wraps, a secret only he knew.

“But it never felt right,” Eddie confesses and it simultaneously feels like a betrayal and like relief. “You make me feel right, Buck. I love you and no matter whether or not you feel the same, you need to know how loved you are. By me and by Chris and by Maddie and the whole of the 118.”

Buck sniffs and Eddie can see tears in his eyes. “Eddie?”

“Yeah?” he asks, chest tight with nerves.

“I really love you,” Buck says and Eddie releases a shuddery breath.

He tries a smile which Buck returns. “At least we’re on the same page then.”

Buck’s grin widens and Eddie can’t stand to be so far from him a moment longer. He wraps his arms around Buck, hands clutching at his back, holding him tighter than he probably should, but Buck doesn’t protest.

His chin digs into Buck’s shoulder and he turns his head, pressing a kiss to Buck’s neck, then moving back to kiss his jaw, his cheek, finally his mouth. Kissing Buck, it’s nothing like kissing Shannon or the few girls there were before and after her. It’s like coming home and he hates himself for waiting this long, for denying them both this.

“Eddie,” Buck mumbles, shifting so his face is buried in Eddie’s shoulder for a moment before pulling away to look at him properly. “Eddie, what do you want?”

“Everything,” Eddie says without hesitation. “With you? Everything, always, forever – if that doesn’t make me sound too much like a Hallmark card.”

Buck smiles and pulls a teasing face. “It kinda does. But I always liked those, call it a guilty pleasure.”

Eddie’s hands are still on Buck’s waist and he pulls him close again like he can’t get enough of him, might never get enough.

“I love you,” he says into Buck’s neck. “I’m sorry for not saying it sooner, for waiting this long.”

“Hey,” Buck shuffles back so he can look Eddie in the eye. “You didn’t have to say it, you showed it and I knew. Even when I didn’t believe it, a part of me knew. You and Chris… you guys are my home.”

“You’re ours,” Eddie promises. “Always, you can’t get rid of us now.”

“Why would I ever want to?” Buck asks and Eddie kisses him again because he can’t not.

When they part, Buck’s cheeks are flushed and his eyes are bright and Eddie isn’t one for superlatives but it might be the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

He twines his fingers with Buck’s and gets up, tugging Buck up and off the couch too. “Stay tonight?”

“Christopher,” Buck starts. “What are we gonna tell him?”

Eddie shrugs, pulling Buck towards his bedroom. “That I love you and you’re part of our family, so you stayed over.”

Buck smiles. “You’d tell him that?” he asks as they enter the bedroom.

“Of course,” Eddie says, then grins. “Although to be honest, Buck, he’s ten – he’s not going to question why his Bucky is here, especially if you bribe him with pancakes.”

Buck sniggers and closes the door behind them. “I guess that makes sense.”

Eddie slides into bed and he’s glad to see Buck only stops to strip down to his underwear before following, crawling straight into Eddie’s arms. He arranges them until he’s lying with his head on Buck’s chest, right over his heart, arms wrapped around Buck’s waist and Buck’s long limbs wrapped around him.

“Eddie?” Buck whispers into the quiet darkness and Eddie will never, ever tire of how he says his name.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you,” Buck says.

Eddie frowns, face still pressed to Buck’s chest. “For what?”

He feels rather than sees Buck shrug. “For seeing me, for loving me.”

A smile creeps onto Eddie’s face even as he tightens his grip on Buck. “Easiest thing I’ve ever done. The easiest thing in the world.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked this? maybe? maybe not? either way feel free to leave a comment/kudos or stop by and yell at me on tumblr ([@hefellfordean](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com)) or twitter ([@angstypalermo](https://twitter.com/angstypalermo))


End file.
